Both marriage and divorce are often made even more complicated
by the very institutions that claim to have the best interests of the family at
heart.
I am a notary public. In Maine, a notary can perform wedding
ceremonies. I have performed several marriages since I’ve been a notary. I have
also notarized divorce forms. I have, however, occasionally questioned the
wisdom of the State of Maine in allowing me to do so. Seriously, what business
do I have being involved in any way with other people’s marriages, I who have
had such a disastrous track record in my own personal experience with marriage?
The short answer is that as a public servant, my personal
experiences, choices, opinions or beliefs have no place in my role as a notary.
Additionally, the choices, personal histories or belief systems of the people I
am serving are absolutely none of my business. It is my job to perform the task
required of me in the office I hold. This is why it seems so illogical to me
that the same government, who tasks me in this way with heterosexual marriages,
feels the need to define marriage for same sex couples and why when marriage
equality becomes a reality in this state I will be gladly offering my services!
That being said, it is no secret that the overall institution of
marriage itself is in trouble. More and more marriages fail every day. The
reasons for this are probably too complex and varied to cover in this format
but I can assure you it has nothing to do with same sex couples asking for
basic rights. It is unlikely we will ever all agree on the reasons marriages
succeed or fail. Many have proposed that, to stop the flood of couples ending
their marriages, we should make divorce harder to get.
I could not disagree more. Forcing couples to stay in a union
that has disintegrated to this level is not good for anyone. It is certainly
not good for their children. In fact, very often, in cases of abuse, it could
be down-right deadly. The sad truth is that by the time a couple has reached
this point it is usually beyond hope of reconciliation. The time to repair the
damage would have been in the months and years preceding.
Another problem is that divorce is often very profitable for the
professionals involved. Many don’t always have the best interests of the family
at heart. Lawyers often take a couple who thought they were going to have a
relatively simple divorce, and turn it into a nightmare of arguing over assets
and children. Each hour racking up profits for the lawyers involved and
certainly not motivating them to seek a quick and less painful solution. While
many states have enacted “no fault” divorces and many now require mediation
before they will even hear most cases, there is still much change that needs to
happen. It does no one in a family any good to spend hours in court arguing
over who did what.
There are few things more painful than a divorce. One of the
reasons it is so gut wrenchingly painful is because it involves people who, at
one point, loved each other very much. Maybe churches, instead of focusing only
on ways to prevent divorce (or sadly on ways to prevent some marriages) could
instead find ways to help families through these life adjustments. Maybe they
could help find ways that are less hurtful and less damaging. Divorce does not
end a family, it simply renegotiates it. Whether a couple has children
together that they now must co-parent in a new way, or whether they have years
of history and shared experiences, they are forever connected, there is no way
around that.
One of my grown daughters recently recommended a television show
I had not yet seen. "Happily Divorced," is a very
funny look at life after divorce based on the real life story of a Hollywood
couple who had to renegotiate their relationship when he realized he was gay.
Of course, it took them a lot of heartache, tears and therapy to eventually
reach the stage where their failed marriage was ready to be a sitcom! That
doesn’t mean it can’t be done however. Personally, I have been relatively
successful at maintaining a working relationship with my first husband, my
children’s father, but it took many years before we got there. I have not been
as successful doing so with their step-father, but that could be because our
divorce is still new and somewhat raw. Being uncomfortable with the connection,
however, does not diminish it. Again, divorce does not end a family, it renegotiates
it.
On a happier note, a fellow blogger celebrated 24 years of
marriage this week in his post "How to be Happily
Married." Blogger Jim LaPierre
shares what worked and what didn’t work for him and his wife. Of course, every
marriage is different but the bottom line is they kept at it and overcame the
obstacles. And Jim seems to be very willing to admit when he was wrong, which
is a great quality in a husband if you can find it!
The point is that marriage, whether it lasts or not, is hard and
complicated and very messy. It can be the most beautiful thing you have ever
done, as well as the most painful thing you have ever done. Often it can be both
of those things in the very same day! It should be entered into with great
forethought and reverence. To me, the time for counseling and lots of prayer
should be before the marriage, not only when it has reached the point of
failure. Before the ceremony is the time to pause, think hard, and seek the
sage advice of those who have gone before you. But all of this contemplation
and prayer should take place between you and your potential partner, in your
own family, and if you choose, with your own church.
Whether a couple is starting a marriage, negotiating the
challenges of a marriage, or ending a marriage, it is a decision that the
government has absolutely no business in. I don’t think the rest of us should
have to discuss it, or debate it, or vote on it because it is nobody’s business
but that of the two people getting married. It affects no one else’s marriage;
it undermines no one else’s belief system.
It is that simple. Or at least it should be!
This piece originally appeared in the Bangor Daily News, Postcards from a Work in Progress, April 22, 2012. The following November, the people of Maine decided that marriage equality DID matter and on December 29, 2012, the author was lucky enough to perform one of the first legal same sex marriages in the City of Bangor! See - Three same sex couples tie the knot at Bangor City Hall!
No comments:
Post a Comment