Human beings are creatures of ritual. Rituals gave our human
ancestors a sense of control over all the uncontrollable and unpredictable
events; weather, illness, famine, death. Rituals couldn’t prevent the death of
your child but they gave you something to do; a candle to light, incense to
burn, a blessing to repeat, so that you felt like you did something, anything,
while you were slowly coming to terms with the inevitable. Modern life is a
little more predictable. We know when it’s going to rain or snow. We are able
to prevent or cure at least some of the diseases and illnesses that our
ancestors succumbed to. Yet, no amount of modern science will ever make us
completely in control, able to predict or prevent all of what life brings us.
So, we still cling to rituals, whether religious or secular. They still bring
us comfort and a sense of security.
All of our major life events still have a ritual involved, to
prepare us for them, to help us through them. Birthday parties, baptisms, bar
mitzvahs, bachelor parties, baby showers, weddings and funerals are all
examples of modern-day rituals. Each of these events, whether or not they
involve an actual ceremony, contains a certain amount of predictable elements.
If you have ever been to a baby shower you know things are done a certain way,
certain games are played and certain decorations are always used, just because
that’s the way it’s always done! While all of these events usually contain some
type of party or celebration (even funerals have a gathering afterwards with
food and drinks), there is a point to the gathering that goes beyond just the
party. The point is about family and community helping you transition into the
next stage of life. It is about people who have been there and done that,
showing support, giving advice and holding you up. It is about those who care
for you validating your experience and the pain or the joy that goes along with
it. “We understand”, these people are saying, “and we are here for you.”
There is, however, one major life event that does not have any
rituals or celebrations. It is the one event that we still shy away from, avoid
coming into contact with people who are going through it, as if it is somehow
contagious. As if it will somehow call all of our own life choices into
question. This event is divorce. Now let me be clear, when I say divorce I mean
those marriages where people have committed to a life together and have been
with each other through all those other major life events. No Kim Kardashian’s
divorce does not count. What does count however, are all those relationships of
two committed loving partners who had planned a life together whether or not
some government or religious entity confirmed their commitment. I’m talking
about those of us who really believed that forever meant forever, not the
forever you said when you “loved” some in junior high school, but as I used to
say to someone “real forever.”
I’m proposing divorce have a ceremony. I say it also needs cake.
A mother and daughter team in New York may be onto something when they held the
first ever Divorce Expo, an event that they
say will help to empower those going through this life altering experience. The
two-day event brought professionals together to offer the newly divorced advice
on everything from finance to dating again. While I think they are certainly
onto something, and I would have certainly attended something similar when I
was going through my divorce, some of it may have just been a little too much.
The advice from the Mary Kay expert might have come in handy but the plastic
surgeon in attendance is just over the top. I certainly didn’t need anyone
making me feel any worse about myself than I already did. Telling me they could
fix all my problems with a little surgery may have elicited a tirade of
unpleasant language on my part. The idea, however, was to offer things for a
wide variety of people and I truly hope their event was successful and will
catch on in other places around the country.
What would be even better though is to have an event held by
those who know and love you. My own friends and family would have known I
wouldn’t want to hear from a plastic surgeon. However, a new outfit, a fancy
meal and bottle of champagne really would have hit the spot. A ceremony of some
sort would have also provided some type of closure. I can verify that dropping
a ring from a very high bridge into a very deep river on its way to the ocean
feels much better than just keeping this old reminder in the bottom of your
jewelry box. Maybe the newly divorced could also get “god parents!” You
know, just some close friends who promise to help take care of you when you
can’t take care of yourself, someone who promises to answer the phone at 2 a.m.
when you can’t sleep and are up alone trying to answer unanswerable questions.
I think there should also be gifts! Let’s face it, when you get
divorced you lose not only half of all your possessions but sometimes half of
your income as well. Next time one of my friends gets divorced I’m going to try
to remember all this. It’s time we started helping each other through this life
transition and stopped treating it like some contagious social disease. Maybe
I’ll get a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant so he/she doesn’t have to
wait for someone else to invite them, or maybe a membership to AAA for those
mornings their car won’t start and they are home alone. Maybe I’ll pick up some
new towels for his/her new place. Even better, maybe I’ll make one of those
little coupon books that says things like “one free rant and rave session” or
“one weekend of designated driving so you can have all the wine you need.”
Either way there’s going to be cake!
This piece originally appeared in the Bangor Daily News, Postcards from a Work in Progress, April 1, 2012.
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