At work last week, our in-house photographer
came around to take a new picture of me for our website. I warned him ahead of
time that I am a notorious blinker and then I went on to prove this. He was
very patient and kept firing away. When he finally came up with the
finished product he leaned his digital camera screen in my direction so I could
take a look at the picture he had decided was “the good one.” I glanced at the
screen and was once again shocked to see a middle-aged woman looking back
at me.
You may have had this experience at a certain
point in your life. You start looking at pictures of yourself, or you see
yourself in the mirror as you are passing, and are completely shocked to see
someone you don’t recognize, an “old” person. Oh, I know 46 isn’t old, but
it’s older than I feel on the inside most days. I wasn’t expecting that.
I wasn't expecting to still feel young on the inside but to have my body start
doing things that I never consented to. I never expected for people
to look at me and see someone who looks more like my mother.
And here’s some other things I never expected
from middle-age:
1. My chin. I always took my chin for
granted. I never planned on it going anywhere. Suddenly, when I look at pictures
of myself taken from the side, I realize my chin is slowly migrating towards my
chest.
2. Children who don’t call me every day.
Why wouldn’t they? I assumed they would still need my motherly wisdom daily,
apparently not!
3. To have a “boyfriend” . . .
seriously!
4. To be the oldest person in a college
class. (It has both its blessings and its drawbacks).
5. To have co-workers younger than my
children.
6. To have friends with grandchildren!
7. To have my back refuse to cooperate
with things the rest of my body thinks it would be great fun to do!
8. Disposable income - I really thought
I'd have some by now! (The X got all the disposable income in the divorce).
9. Not getting carded anymore when
buying wine. You think it’s annoying until they stop doing it. I watched the
screen on the cashier’s computer last week as she rang out my wine. It asked
“is customer over forty” and the little witch hit “yes!”
While there are so many things happening to us
in middle age that we don't have control over, I will admit there are also lots
of great things going on that we can control. I do enjoy the luxury of not
having to answer to anyone else. I enjoy having adult children who can
take care of themselves (most of the time anyway). I like the idea that my future
is now my own!
One thing I have managed to still get away
with in my “old” age is the weight on my driver’s license. It still says what I
weighed when I was 16 years old. Oh it’s not that far off . . . or maybe
it is by 20 or 30 lbs, I'm not confirming nor denying. My daughters keep
telling me I need to correct it. Let me just warn you. Don't be the person at
the DMV who looks at my license and looks at me and tells me I need to correct
that weight. Don’t even try it! I’m hanging onto to that one as long as I
can! I mean, isn't it bad enough you gave me this license with some old lady's
picture on it!
This piece originally appeared in the Bangor Daily News, Postcards from a Work in Progress, March 18, 2012.
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