I try to listen to that gentle voice inside me, although I’m not
always sure where it comes from. Is it my own reason? Is it my Higher Power?
Sometimes I wonder if it is the voice of my ancestors, the generations of women
before me whose blood runs through me now. Maybe it’s all those or maybe I’m
just crazy, or this week just under the influence of pain medications! I just
know that in difficult times, if I have taken a moment to be still and listen
to that voice, I have made much better decisions than the ones made in the heat
of the moment, out of fear or anger.
I remember as a kid watching TV and whenever the main character
had a choice to make two options showed up represented by an angel on one
shoulder and a devil on the other. To us watching, the choice seemed clear.
There was good and there was bad and we’d cheer for the good side, even if we
secretly suspected as the character did, that the bad might be way more fun!
If only life had actually turned out like that, every choice
represented by two options clearly marked good or bad. As grown-ups we
discovered that life’s choices are never that simple, never marked so obviously
and that there were almost always more than two in any given situation. Ah, but
that’s the key right there isn’t it. There are always choices. Even if in that
moment of deep heartache or despair, we don’t see them. The choices are there.
The trick is to be quiet, patient and still long enough to hear the answers
when they come to you.
So that brings me to forgiveness and Jim’s column. Forgiveness
is hard! Forgiveness is especially hard when someone else’s behavior has not
just hurt our feelings but actually changed the course of our life. Forgiveness
is near impossible when the person who hurt us is unable or unwilling to
acknowledge the level of the pain they caused. To us it looks like they are
just strolling along, happy and unaffected, while we are back here on the path
they left, wounded and bleeding.
When I’ve been hurt or wronged, I wanted the whole world to stop
and acknowledge my pain. I wanted everyone to point to the person who caused it
and say “shame on you!” I wanted justice! But sometimes there is no justice, or
reason, or resolution. Sometimes the rest of the world is too busy dealing with
its own pain and I’m just going to have to handle mine on my own. Oh, I have
the help of a group of people who love me but really, when it comes down to it,
we all have to work this stuff out in our own heads, in our own hearts, and
with our own voices!
Jim is so right when he says our “our resentments limited us –
not them. They moved on and we stayed stuck. We cannot be free as long as we
carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.” Some days I feel like I’m
hiking with a back pack full of rocks. Every time someone does something that
hurts me, I throw another rock in the pack and hoist it back up on my
shoulders, no matter how heavy it gets. If someone offers to help me carry the
load, I always refuse. Sometimes I sit down and go through the pack, intending
to discard some of it but like a bad episode of “Hoarders,” I can’t let go of
things that are clearly of no use to me anymore.
I forget that I have choices. In fact, one of those choices is
to just let go of the back pack! Of course that doesn’t mean it will be easy.
I’ve tried before. I've tried just “choosing happiness,” saying it out loud “I
choose happiness, okay here I am, I’m happy now.” It hasn’t worked that way. I
can’t just let go of that entire bag all at once. What would I do with my hands
with nothing to carry?
Maybe the answer is to keep trying to lose those rocks one at a
time. Maybe while hiking, I can drop them off slowly, in quiet places in the
woods where they won’t hurt anyone else. Or I can make a trip to the beach and
fling a few in the ocean. I'm sure if I can free up some room in this bag I can
find lighter things to carry, things like joy, and hope. There may even be room
for forgiveness in there.
This week when I was worrying, feeling like I will never get
past the hurt, or ever be the same person again, I read Jim's column and felt a
little lighter. In fact, I heard the voice inside me say "no, you will
never be the same, so what, you aren’t supposed to stay the same. You are
supposed to change and grow and be BETTER!" So here's to moving
forward, a little lighter, minus one badly infected molar and a few less
resentments! None of which were doing me any good anymore!
This piece was originally published on the Bangor Daily News website, January 6, 2012.
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