Parent Teens – I’ve lost some battles but ultimately I’ve won the war!

If there is anything I can share stories about in my life, it would be teenagers. I have raised them. I have worked professionally with them. I have lived with them, cooked and cleaned for them, driven them to and fro, stayed up half the night waiting for them, sat in emergency rooms with them, counseled them, laughed and cried with them, cried over them, and shared their accomplishments and joy!

My youngest child turns twenty next week. She is not nearly as excited as I am. Twenty is not a milestone birthday for her. She is still stuck between 18 and 21, in that land of “technically an adult but not quite yet.” For me, however, this is a huge milestone. My baby is no longer a teenager.  I have been parenting teenagers since my oldest turned 13, in 1997. That is roughly 14 years of teenagers. I have always said that the teen years are nature’s way of getting us ready, and willing, to have them leave home. If they left us when they were those cute, little, curly-haired, feety pajama clad, lovable children, it would surely kill us outright. So instead, nature turns them into large, loud, dramatic, hormone-driven creatures and we become much more ready to have them leave the nest when the time comes.

Nothing prepares parents for how hard those teen years can be. Sometimes you find yourself in battlefield conditions and all you can do is make sure everyone survives. Sometimes it seems like you are just moving from crisis to crisis but you get through, eventually. I hope that even when I made mistakes they always knew that I was on their side. There are still things they need to learn from you during those years, and things you still need to learn from them. There are skills you can pass on more easily like how to drive a stick shift. There are other things you can’t really teach them, like how to survive a broken heart or the death of someone they love. You just have to be there, stick beside them quietly, and let them know that yes, they will get through this. We all have.

They were years full of both joy and heartache. There were disappointments and unexpected accomplishments and times of complete hysterical laughter. There have been football games, swim meets, field hockey, track meets and boxing matches. There were driver’s ed classes, fender benders and speeding tickets. There were attempts to sneak out of the house, or to sneak other people in (eventually I installed a contact alarm on the back door, seriously!). We survived SATS, college applications and FAFSAs. There were long talks about sex and love. I’ve caught a few of them drinking. One time one of them even thought I would believe that the smell coming from his room was actually “incense” as if I had never been a teenager myself; just popped into this world in an adult sized, fun- ruining mom body! There were school projects and art exhibits and talent shows. Thankfully, there were also other parents. These were friends that I could count on, judgment free, as we negotiated those tricky years together.

I’ve lost a few battles, but yes, ultimately, I have won the war! They have served in the military, served in AmeriCorps, gone to college, or opened their own business. They have jobs, great friends, their own apartments and causes they believe in. Who knew this crazy group of teenagers, who could not even do their own dishes most of the time, were capable of such things! They have dreamed wonderful dreams that even I, as their biggest fan, couldn’t have imagined for them. Most surprising to me though has been finding out that parenting does not actually end when they are 18, that magical number we sometimes cling to when times are hard. It doesn’t end. It is just different. It turns out I am still their mother and they still need me sometimes. What has changed is that now, sometimes I need them too, just like my mother sometimes needs me. Now I am learning how to parent twenty-somethings. I am learning how to back off. (No, that has not been easy). I am learning to trust that I did the best job I could, and now it’s up to them. So far, they are doing a pretty decent job!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

This piece was originally published on the Bangor Daily News website, November 24, 2011. 

The Condom Mom

Nothing says Happy Spring like a column about condoms!

Happy Spring, Happy Easter, Happy Holiday of your choice! In honor of Spring, the season of new life, and in order to spend the day with my family, I am posting an encore presentation of part of one of my all time favorite blogs! I had just signed on with BlogHer and had to let them know which ads I was willing to allow on my page! My number one choice for ads to run alongside my blog was contraceptives.

Why, do you say, would a mother of 4+ children want to advertise contraceptives on her page? Well other than the obvious (I gave birth four times in eight years) maybe it is time I confess one of my secret identities. That’s right, the teenagers all know but many of you don’t. I am THE CONDOM MOM.

For those of you who judged my personal life after seeing me buy boxes of condoms on sale at the drug store, now you know the truth. Believe me, it was not all fun and games. Standing in front of a condom display and choosing between “his pleasure” and “her pleasure” or regular size and Magnum Super Size for condoms that very well may be used by one’s own teenage children is uncomfortable to say the very least! However, this has been a calling of sorts for me. I have been providing condoms to teenagers since 1998. That’s right, for 14 years, since my oldest child was a freshman in high school; I have been purchasing and making available condoms of all varieties!

Of course, my free condoms come with lectures and lessons on self respect and commitment.  There is always a catch isn’t there. They also came with the knowledge that there was at least one adult in your life that you could come to with questions, any questions, who would not judge you, ever!

I had assumed that at some point, in all these years, at least one parent would come to me and say “what the hell are you doing?” None have so far. None have yet to say thank you either. If they only knew, I’m sure some of them might have. I always hoped if there was something one of my kids couldn’t talk to me about that another parent would be there for them. It does, after all, take a village sometimes.

There have been lots of funny stories connected with this calling of mine. My favorite story was when my youngest daughter was about nine or ten. She had a couple other little girls over for a sleep over. The next morning I went in the upstairs bathroom and found that not only was the floor very slippery but the trash was full of unwrapped condoms. Knowing none of the older children had been home that night I went into my daughter’s room to cautiously ask what they had been up to. It seems they weren’t exactly sure what the condoms were really supposed to be used for but they did discover that if you slipped them over your feet you could slide all over the bathroom!

There has been more than one teenager my children brought to the house for the first time who was stunned into silence upon discovering that the kids could talk openly with me and that there were free condoms in a jar in the upstairs bathroom. There were also those awkward conversations had with young people whose parents had not even prepared them in the smallest way for the world they were living in. But we all got through it and grew closer because of it. I hope that some of them went on to make at least a few choices that were better than those they made before.

I remember one young man who came to my house. He was 18 years old. His mother had found condoms in his room and she had TAKEN THEM AWAY FROM HIM. She had told him that her religion was strictly against him having sex until he was married and that from now on he WAS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX. Now really, really, how effective does anyone really think that was? I do not mean to disrespect anyone’s personal religious beliefs however, when those beliefs conflict with reality there is a time when one must say “WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?” Her son was being responsible. He had educated himself and was protecting himself and his future. How about saying something like “these are our family’s religious beliefs however, if you find yourself in a situation, or chose to follow beliefs of your own this is how you protect your health, your future, and the future of the person you are with.” Or maybe, “wow son, I am very proud of you for taking care of yourself.”

No matter what you believe, no matter what your child decides to do, do you want him/her to risk their very life because you would not “allow” him to purchase condoms? That’s right Mom & Dad. Things are different than they were in our day. Nowadays, lives can change in ways that a simple prescription of antibiotics will not cure. If you believe your child would be making a mistake by having sex at his or her age, is it a mistake worth them dying over?

Maybe some of this is personal. I was a mom at 19 years old. I do not regret that. It was and still is the greatest thing I have ever done! However, I would have been a better mom if I had waited until I got older. I would have been a better mom if I had gone to college first, instead of after, in order to better provide for my children. Not admitting that is irresponsible and not warning my children of that would be irresponsible too. I have always told them, you can change any decision you make in your life except one. You can change your school, where you live, your partner, or your career. However, once you bring another human being into the world, you can’t change that! You will love this little person so much, so incredibly much, that you will want the best of everything for them. You will want them to have the very best parents in the world. So before you do that, before you make that decision, make sure you are ready to be the very best parent in the world.

Life happens and there are so many things in our lives that are beyond our control. The choice, however, to create life or not, is in your hands. The choice to create a life for yourself, the choice to create a life for the person you love, and the choice to make a life together is yours. It is a blessing to make a life and it is a blessing to have the choice not to make another life. Our fore-mothers fought long and hard for you to have those choices. Take it seriously. Go out and make a life for yourselves.

In the meantime, if you need condoms they are on the second shelf in the linen closet in the hallway.

This piece was originally published on the Bangor Daily News website, April 7, 2012.  

Happy New Year!

I know it’s not really the New Year but it always feels that way to me. Labor Day Weekend has always signaled the end of the summer season, the start of a new year and the first day back to school.

As a child, Labor Day Weekend, in the seaside community I grew up in, meant our precious shorelines were now free of visitors and we could resume our normal lives, playing kings of the sand dunes and riding our bikes down once again deserted roads! There were also new shoes for school, a lunch box, unsharpened pencils, new teachers and new friends. By high school there were new outfits, a new locker and a new boy sitting behind me in homeroom. By the time I was the mom, there were weeks of school shopping for lots and lots of little outfits and necessary accessories for my whole crew. I have always loved school and my children always loved school too, a whole new year full of adventures still unimagined.

Every school year is a fresh start. It’s a chance to finally meet those goals; make that team, get that grade or win the attention of someone long sought after. If only life itself offered up new chances, every fall. If only yearly we had the chance to do it all over, try again, start fresh. If only life’s questions were so easy, the progress measured in grades for effort and behavior as well as end result. I never got upset with a low grade on a child’s report card as long as their grade for effort showed they had tried their very best! Couldn’t life be that understanding with us!?

Yet, in life,  while the end results are not always so clear, each year, each day, does offer a new chance to look at things differently, to work harder, and to strive for a better outcome. There are still challenges to be faced. There are still lessons to be learned, every day, if we are open to looking for them.

My children are all adults now but this past week has found four out of five starting college classes again. Each one has stopped by or called with news of new professors, busy schedules and outrageously expensive books.

This year has found me also, once again, starting school as well, sitting in a poetry class full of fellow students, every single one of them young enough to be one of my own children. Ah, a new text book, spine still unbroken and a bright new notebook, pages waiting to be filled!

As an adult, going back to school is one of the most optimistic things you can do. It is a choice now. No one makes you do it any longer. Going back to school as an adult means admitting you don’t know everything. It means you are willing to listen and willing to question the way you’ve always done things. It means you are willing to open yourself up to new ideas and new challenges.  I’m here, I’m willing. Happy New Year! 

This piece was originally published on the Bangor Daily News website, September 3, 2011.